I was born sick. Actually, I was born perfectly healthy but became sick after I got home...What would Freud say about this? (sorry Mom) I had my first surgery when I was a few months old to correct something due to my digestive tract that wasn't fitting together properly. Then I became the super champion baby of projectile vomiting. A couple of scopes later determined a gnarly case of acid reflux and there were special instructions per each feeding. *cause I'm special*
My next surgery was when I was 13 to fix something that wasn't as it should have been. It's like God started making me then got busy making someone else, lets say my super friend Carrie Spencer, with whom I share a birthday and we have shared a lifetime as friends. We met in the baby nursery at church and were instant friends. Probably due to the fact that all her parts worked and I could tell there was something fishy about that and no amount of matching velour dresses for church Christmas programs was going to change that. (Carrie I have loved you for 37 years and will love you for 97 more).
When I was 17, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis so severe that the Dr wanted to do a complete hysterectomy then and there. Thankfully, due to mine and my Mothers stubbornness we moved on to another Dr. Another surgery to remove what they could of it and I was told that I may never have children.
Years flew by between birth and age 17. I became focused on sports. I begin playing softball my junior year of high school and it changed me. I loved every second of it and wanted to play all day everyday and I did for the next few years. I also got into bulimia (does one actually get into it? Perplexing). Softball was my way of trying to put my focus on something that I loved. Being so active I dropped weight and begin gaining muscles. I looked amazing and felt amazing and no one had a clue that I was over exercising, and puking.
I actually hid a lot of things during that time. It felt like I had no clue who I was. I often refer to this period as my "chameleon period". I changed who I was according to the people I was around. It was a craft I had perfected. I was constantly struggling with who my authentic self was therefore never getting any of these "acts" right. I often spent my free time grounded.
Maybe this was why I was bulimic, because I needed to be able to control something. I have always been smart enough to know if I tried drugs I would like them and I never did (well, until I had cancer but that is a WHOLE other blog). I had also witnessed first hand what it was like to be around someone with an addiction problem and thus going to a few Ala-Teen meetings while my Dad was in "the rehab". Seriously, they had pizza and Rusty and I got to go to the same one together so it wasn't all bad but I still can't say the Serenity Prayer without giggling because that is just how R&A roll, and we giggled a lot there. I think my Mom quickly decided Jesus could take that wheel because I don't remember going to a lot of them. Maybe Chris decided it for her since he was in the big teen group all alone...without pizza.
The day I fell in love with what would be my husband, I saw him just being his authentic self. Tony was just fun to be around and I always wanted to be around him. This was so powerful to me. It was the first time in my life I was completely, 100%, comfortable with being Allyson in front of Tony and he fell in love with all of that. I could sing to my food in a public restaurant and it was ok, because he was singing to his food too. (Seriously, this was our first date. We went to Henry's Puffy Taco's in San Antonio and we both started singing to our tacos when they arrived. That was that "moment we both knew" moment and we married 6 months later).
Because my "fight or flight" was always set to a high Flight, due to things that happened to me that I am not willing to talk about, I had a huge, thick wall built up by the time Tony and I started dating. I never wanted to be hurt by a man and I never wanted to let a man hurt me. We actually had both agreed that we were not looking for a serious relationship. Funny how things work. It has taken him a long time to break down that wall and there are still a few pebbles left.
Our first few years of marriage I was in constant pain due to endometriosis. My doctor told us if we ever wanted to have children we had to do it now or it wouldn't happen. We were beginning fertility treatments when we decided to give it completely to God and not drugs. Our first anniversary, I handed him a positive pregnancy test. Fast forward, 2 pregnancies, a couple of near death experiences for me, lots of moves, lots of years, lots of crazy pains, several more surgeries. Then the moment I knew since I was 17 that was going to happen and while I knew it would heal my pain, mentally I was no where near prepared. When I was 29 years old, I had a complete hysterectomy and this put me in a deep depression and caused me to do some things I am not proud of. The hysterectomy made me pain free for the first time in decades. My life turned around and I was the person I wanted to be and a very involved wife and Mom.
By the time I found out I had cancer, I was already a mess. I was having panic attacks all day long, I had no voice and was covered in hives from head to toe. I was also in a dark, dark place that I try very hard not to look back on. It turned out the evil cancer was causing all of these mental issues and getting that out, got my craziness under control. I know how hard it was for me to feel it and go through it but I can NOT imagine how hard it was for my beloved. It took 3 months from "I think it's cancer" to removing the thyroid along with 2 different forms of thyroid cancer, which had cancer cells wrapped around the parathyroid and vocal chords. I had no idea how to take this. I had no voice for so long and was now being told it may not come back. I did speech therapy which helped but it will never be the same. This is something I still struggle with since I love singing and that is where I am the most comfortable, on stage singing. Tony tells me I am not myself if I am not on a worship team.
It was during this time that Tony realized his passion for taking care of people and decided he wanted to become a Personal Trainer. Going through the intense program he did, and beginning to work in the industry he realized what he really wanted was to be a Physical Therapist. He started college for the first time in his life.
In all honesty, I do not remember most of the last 3 years. The treatment I had for cancer was very hard and very painful. As a result of that treatment, I developed Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia and Neurocardiogenic Syncope. Then came the diagnosis for Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. Lots of hospital stays, tons of scary tests, lots of prayers, and mostly trusting God in all things.
Tony has been there. He has exercised my body when I physically could not. He stretches my muscles so they do not grow weak. He has invented things to help serve me better like the ice pack that wrapped around my neck like a scarf after my thyroid surgery because the ice pack I had kept sliding off. He researches every diagnosis, he goes to the Drs office with me to ask questions and listen because my cognitive function is often lacking. His role of caretaker is what God created him to be but there was no way to find out without being put in this position. He does the shopping, cooking and cleaning. He makes me laugh ALL the time. He knows when I need to be hugged just a little bit longer and when I need to just cry. He knows when my cries mean "help me talk it out and settle" and when they mean get home STAT.
He can see on my face when I need to lay down before passing out long before I can. He stays up with me when I am in so much pain that all I can do is cry and he often sits and feels helpless. He pleads with God to make it go away. He pleads with my Drs to give him his wife back. He carries me up and down the stairs when I am too weak to walk. He picks me up when I pass out and usually tries to make me laugh so I don't start crying. He lifts me out of the bathtub when I am too weak (this is his favorite-weirdo). He dresses me when I have used too much energy to shower.
I hate this for him. I feel guilty every single day. I feel guilty for being a crappy mother, wife, daughter, sister and Aunt. But this is my life. I have lost many friends, I have found many new ones. I have separated myself from negative people even if they are family members. I have changed the way I look at the world and changed how I want the world to see me. We trust that God is doing what he needs to do in our lives and through our lives. We trust that in everything, God is with us and he is faithful. We trust that together we are stronger than apart. He tells me when I am playing the piano and singing, that regardless of how many notes I actually get out, my voice is still his favorite.
I thank him everyday for everything he does for me and for our little family. He is present. He is involved. We know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves us and would rather be with the 3 of us than anyone else on the planet. He is my best friend and I am his. He dances with me and makes up dirty rap songs about me.
He shows me everyday how much God loves me and will never leave me or forsake me. For all of this, and through all of this, I rejoice. People ask me all the time how I can be so joyful and make others laugh with all the problems I have going on right now and I think I have just answered that.
Being with someone that encourages you to be exactly the person God made you is life affirming. Allowing and watching that person to do that same is inspiring. I'm not perfect as you can see, but the one who created me thinks I'm good enough to die for. Through all of these recent illnesses, I have found myself. When the bible says "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still", well, I have been forced still. I have been given the opportunity to submit and say God, use me. Show me. Don't let this go in vain. All along my motto has been "Why not me"? My faith has always been strong and there are so many others who are far worse off. So what if I'm sick, I am so blessed and given so much more than I deserve. I am thankful for everyday I have. I have the best 2 kids on the planet. I have the sexiest ToneLoco to share this ride with. I have an amazing family and extended family. Those are the things I think of first when I am trying to get my dead body out of bed in the morning.
My next surgery was when I was 13 to fix something that wasn't as it should have been. It's like God started making me then got busy making someone else, lets say my super friend Carrie Spencer, with whom I share a birthday and we have shared a lifetime as friends. We met in the baby nursery at church and were instant friends. Probably due to the fact that all her parts worked and I could tell there was something fishy about that and no amount of matching velour dresses for church Christmas programs was going to change that. (Carrie I have loved you for 37 years and will love you for 97 more).
When I was 17, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis so severe that the Dr wanted to do a complete hysterectomy then and there. Thankfully, due to mine and my Mothers stubbornness we moved on to another Dr. Another surgery to remove what they could of it and I was told that I may never have children.
Years flew by between birth and age 17. I became focused on sports. I begin playing softball my junior year of high school and it changed me. I loved every second of it and wanted to play all day everyday and I did for the next few years. I also got into bulimia (does one actually get into it? Perplexing). Softball was my way of trying to put my focus on something that I loved. Being so active I dropped weight and begin gaining muscles. I looked amazing and felt amazing and no one had a clue that I was over exercising, and puking.
I actually hid a lot of things during that time. It felt like I had no clue who I was. I often refer to this period as my "chameleon period". I changed who I was according to the people I was around. It was a craft I had perfected. I was constantly struggling with who my authentic self was therefore never getting any of these "acts" right. I often spent my free time grounded.
Maybe this was why I was bulimic, because I needed to be able to control something. I have always been smart enough to know if I tried drugs I would like them and I never did (well, until I had cancer but that is a WHOLE other blog). I had also witnessed first hand what it was like to be around someone with an addiction problem and thus going to a few Ala-Teen meetings while my Dad was in "the rehab". Seriously, they had pizza and Rusty and I got to go to the same one together so it wasn't all bad but I still can't say the Serenity Prayer without giggling because that is just how R&A roll, and we giggled a lot there. I think my Mom quickly decided Jesus could take that wheel because I don't remember going to a lot of them. Maybe Chris decided it for her since he was in the big teen group all alone...without pizza.
The day I fell in love with what would be my husband, I saw him just being his authentic self. Tony was just fun to be around and I always wanted to be around him. This was so powerful to me. It was the first time in my life I was completely, 100%, comfortable with being Allyson in front of Tony and he fell in love with all of that. I could sing to my food in a public restaurant and it was ok, because he was singing to his food too. (Seriously, this was our first date. We went to Henry's Puffy Taco's in San Antonio and we both started singing to our tacos when they arrived. That was that "moment we both knew" moment and we married 6 months later).
Because my "fight or flight" was always set to a high Flight, due to things that happened to me that I am not willing to talk about, I had a huge, thick wall built up by the time Tony and I started dating. I never wanted to be hurt by a man and I never wanted to let a man hurt me. We actually had both agreed that we were not looking for a serious relationship. Funny how things work. It has taken him a long time to break down that wall and there are still a few pebbles left.
Our first few years of marriage I was in constant pain due to endometriosis. My doctor told us if we ever wanted to have children we had to do it now or it wouldn't happen. We were beginning fertility treatments when we decided to give it completely to God and not drugs. Our first anniversary, I handed him a positive pregnancy test. Fast forward, 2 pregnancies, a couple of near death experiences for me, lots of moves, lots of years, lots of crazy pains, several more surgeries. Then the moment I knew since I was 17 that was going to happen and while I knew it would heal my pain, mentally I was no where near prepared. When I was 29 years old, I had a complete hysterectomy and this put me in a deep depression and caused me to do some things I am not proud of. The hysterectomy made me pain free for the first time in decades. My life turned around and I was the person I wanted to be and a very involved wife and Mom.
By the time I found out I had cancer, I was already a mess. I was having panic attacks all day long, I had no voice and was covered in hives from head to toe. I was also in a dark, dark place that I try very hard not to look back on. It turned out the evil cancer was causing all of these mental issues and getting that out, got my craziness under control. I know how hard it was for me to feel it and go through it but I can NOT imagine how hard it was for my beloved. It took 3 months from "I think it's cancer" to removing the thyroid along with 2 different forms of thyroid cancer, which had cancer cells wrapped around the parathyroid and vocal chords. I had no idea how to take this. I had no voice for so long and was now being told it may not come back. I did speech therapy which helped but it will never be the same. This is something I still struggle with since I love singing and that is where I am the most comfortable, on stage singing. Tony tells me I am not myself if I am not on a worship team.
It was during this time that Tony realized his passion for taking care of people and decided he wanted to become a Personal Trainer. Going through the intense program he did, and beginning to work in the industry he realized what he really wanted was to be a Physical Therapist. He started college for the first time in his life.
In all honesty, I do not remember most of the last 3 years. The treatment I had for cancer was very hard and very painful. As a result of that treatment, I developed Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia and Neurocardiogenic Syncope. Then came the diagnosis for Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. Lots of hospital stays, tons of scary tests, lots of prayers, and mostly trusting God in all things.
Tony has been there. He has exercised my body when I physically could not. He stretches my muscles so they do not grow weak. He has invented things to help serve me better like the ice pack that wrapped around my neck like a scarf after my thyroid surgery because the ice pack I had kept sliding off. He researches every diagnosis, he goes to the Drs office with me to ask questions and listen because my cognitive function is often lacking. His role of caretaker is what God created him to be but there was no way to find out without being put in this position. He does the shopping, cooking and cleaning. He makes me laugh ALL the time. He knows when I need to be hugged just a little bit longer and when I need to just cry. He knows when my cries mean "help me talk it out and settle" and when they mean get home STAT.
He can see on my face when I need to lay down before passing out long before I can. He stays up with me when I am in so much pain that all I can do is cry and he often sits and feels helpless. He pleads with God to make it go away. He pleads with my Drs to give him his wife back. He carries me up and down the stairs when I am too weak to walk. He picks me up when I pass out and usually tries to make me laugh so I don't start crying. He lifts me out of the bathtub when I am too weak (this is his favorite-weirdo). He dresses me when I have used too much energy to shower.
I hate this for him. I feel guilty every single day. I feel guilty for being a crappy mother, wife, daughter, sister and Aunt. But this is my life. I have lost many friends, I have found many new ones. I have separated myself from negative people even if they are family members. I have changed the way I look at the world and changed how I want the world to see me. We trust that God is doing what he needs to do in our lives and through our lives. We trust that in everything, God is with us and he is faithful. We trust that together we are stronger than apart. He tells me when I am playing the piano and singing, that regardless of how many notes I actually get out, my voice is still his favorite.
I thank him everyday for everything he does for me and for our little family. He is present. He is involved. We know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves us and would rather be with the 3 of us than anyone else on the planet. He is my best friend and I am his. He dances with me and makes up dirty rap songs about me.
He shows me everyday how much God loves me and will never leave me or forsake me. For all of this, and through all of this, I rejoice. People ask me all the time how I can be so joyful and make others laugh with all the problems I have going on right now and I think I have just answered that.
Being with someone that encourages you to be exactly the person God made you is life affirming. Allowing and watching that person to do that same is inspiring. I'm not perfect as you can see, but the one who created me thinks I'm good enough to die for. Through all of these recent illnesses, I have found myself. When the bible says "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still", well, I have been forced still. I have been given the opportunity to submit and say God, use me. Show me. Don't let this go in vain. All along my motto has been "Why not me"? My faith has always been strong and there are so many others who are far worse off. So what if I'm sick, I am so blessed and given so much more than I deserve. I am thankful for everyday I have. I have the best 2 kids on the planet. I have the sexiest ToneLoco to share this ride with. I have an amazing family and extended family. Those are the things I think of first when I am trying to get my dead body out of bed in the morning.
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