Today is Christmas. It is a magical time. The moments leading up to it can either be magical or awful. For me, this year was the first time I wasn't able to physically shop or do anything outside of the home like usual. Normally I put a lot of effort in finding the perfect gift for each family member and if I do not make my mother cry at least once opening her gifts, then I have failed. Clearly, this year I failed. She loved all of her gifts, they just were not cry worthy like the recipe cards I gave her last year that my grandmother had handwritten that I had framed for her kitchen. You can't duplicate those tears. Not that I am sadistic in any way, I just enjoy the "wow, that is the most amazing, breath-taking gift I have ever received". I pride myself on this. I really don't know what people got this year. So much so, that duplicate gifts were given by accident. I started buying in Sept to avoid the holiday stress and with my health issues, not knowing how I would be feeling, I felt it was best to start early. Good thing I did because little did I know, the closer we got the holidays, the doctors actually advised me not to drive or stand for long periods of time. As I began wrapping presents, I noticed I had bought duplicate gifts for half of my family. So, a little mixing up of the gifts so each person got multiple different gifts and Merry Christmas from the Soldani's,
As a girl grows into a woman, it is always hard for her to know that she is turning into her mother. Not that there is anything wrong with that. My Mom is the greatest person I know. She has no enemies. And to work in the position that she is in and to say that, is a big deal. People respect her and hold her to a high standard. For the majority of my life she was a single Mom and raised my brothers and I by sacrificing everything she had so that we could have anything and everything we ever wanted. We literally never wanted for anything. I understand being a Mother myself. Not only is my Mother the best, she is also the best Grandmother. She provides for all of her grandchildren. I can honestly say that there have been many times that without her help, we would have gone hungry that month or without paying our bills. This is just part of life. Not that we are proud and not that we are ashamed. God plants his path as he chooses, not as you do. Sometimes that path is full of rocks, and sometimes, eventually, it is soft grass that is easy to cross.
Today, two things happened that are my Mom coming out of me. First of all, I said a couple of things, that I soon regretted saying. Ever have those moments? Try this on for size. "Emma, if you don't leave your toys where the dog can get them, then she can't chew them." "Emma, you leave little messes everywhere you go." "Emma, you can't get upset at Dixie for eating your new toy since you left it on the floor in your room after I told you to pick it up." "Emma, why are your brand new clothes all over the floor?" Yes, usually all Mother conversations like this are between Mother and Daughter. That is the tangled web we weave. When I said the "little messes" comment, I literally started trying to spit that out of my mouth. Emma will do the same one day. And one day I will miss my Mom saying that.
While I don't necessarily care to have my Mother's stinging words come out of my mouth, there is one thing that happened today that I don't mind sharing. This was the first time this has happened and my son was not too shy to point it out.
Long after presents had been opened and cleaned up, I was in the kitchen making dinner. I turned my iPod on Pandora on a Bill Gaither's Radio station I had set up. In the middle of making meatballs, this song comes on.
I start to tear up like a normal person would at seeing "oh this is Phillips, Craig, and Dean, I should grab a tissue." Then as I listen on, and am looking at my sweet husband/ very best friend playing video games on the living room floor with our daughter, who has a smile from ear to ear that you could not draw on a picture if you tried to re-create joy in a picture, a joy that I desperately desired as a 13 year old girl with her father. This joy is natural, it is not forced. Next to them, is my son. My amazing, perfect, son. The child who is sent directly from heaven and placed into my lap and I promised God 11 years ago that if he lived after his traumatic birth that I would never put him down, and I have not let go of my end of the bargain. This child who loves the Lord like no other child I have ever seen or know in my entire life and to know that this passion for the Lord comes from my direction towards him is overwhelming. He sits in stillness playing with his Lego's while smack talking his sister and father in deep lego building concentration. This is something that cannot be bought or sold. This is MY REAL LIFE. This is not made up or fake. This is who we are. And I thank God for every second of it. There have been so many seconds I have missed of our life this year. If I could bottle up these moments I would. That way my kids would never know of the bad days.
I soon begin weeping. Not just a hard cry, but more of a, "had to grab a dirty kitchen towel to dry my eyes" kind of dirty cry. The words to this song are real. As I look at my sweet family just being real, they have no idea that I am watching. Of course, when I am on my second dirt towel, TJ finally says "Mommy, you are crying like Noni does in the kitchen." There you go. I cry like my Mom while cooking meatballs in my kitchen. The words to this song are magical. His grace will always amaze me. That best friend of a husband that is playing video games with our daughter, loves the Lord with all his heart. The changes in him as he grows in the Lord still amaze me. He takes care of me like no husband should have to take care of their wives. At least in my opinion. As I watch my beautiful family, these people I share my life, joy, and entire being with, I can't help but think of how thankful I am that God is healing me. As much as I want a quicker, fuller healing, I have to wait for his time. His time is sometimes wayyyyyyyyyy slower than our time. (I'm not going to lie, yesterday I was thinking, who do I not have praying on this? I need to recruit some people to speed things up since I'm about to graduate and want to start working).
In the meantime, lots of prayers, thankful no liver cancer even with liver tumor marker high, hoping anti seizers medication will get rid of dizziness and make me function (and loose all the weight I gained after thyroid surgery) and make me be a functional Ally-Bump once again, MRI, MRA, EEG from Neurologist in the next 3 wks, not sure what to wish for with that. Need to be fully healthy to start working in spring after I graduate so Tony can stay home and focus on school and kids.
As a girl grows into a woman, it is always hard for her to know that she is turning into her mother. Not that there is anything wrong with that. My Mom is the greatest person I know. She has no enemies. And to work in the position that she is in and to say that, is a big deal. People respect her and hold her to a high standard. For the majority of my life she was a single Mom and raised my brothers and I by sacrificing everything she had so that we could have anything and everything we ever wanted. We literally never wanted for anything. I understand being a Mother myself. Not only is my Mother the best, she is also the best Grandmother. She provides for all of her grandchildren. I can honestly say that there have been many times that without her help, we would have gone hungry that month or without paying our bills. This is just part of life. Not that we are proud and not that we are ashamed. God plants his path as he chooses, not as you do. Sometimes that path is full of rocks, and sometimes, eventually, it is soft grass that is easy to cross.
Today, two things happened that are my Mom coming out of me. First of all, I said a couple of things, that I soon regretted saying. Ever have those moments? Try this on for size. "Emma, if you don't leave your toys where the dog can get them, then she can't chew them." "Emma, you leave little messes everywhere you go." "Emma, you can't get upset at Dixie for eating your new toy since you left it on the floor in your room after I told you to pick it up." "Emma, why are your brand new clothes all over the floor?" Yes, usually all Mother conversations like this are between Mother and Daughter. That is the tangled web we weave. When I said the "little messes" comment, I literally started trying to spit that out of my mouth. Emma will do the same one day. And one day I will miss my Mom saying that.
While I don't necessarily care to have my Mother's stinging words come out of my mouth, there is one thing that happened today that I don't mind sharing. This was the first time this has happened and my son was not too shy to point it out.
Long after presents had been opened and cleaned up, I was in the kitchen making dinner. I turned my iPod on Pandora on a Bill Gaither's Radio station I had set up. In the middle of making meatballs, this song comes on.
I soon begin weeping. Not just a hard cry, but more of a, "had to grab a dirty kitchen towel to dry my eyes" kind of dirty cry. The words to this song are real. As I look at my sweet family just being real, they have no idea that I am watching. Of course, when I am on my second dirt towel, TJ finally says "Mommy, you are crying like Noni does in the kitchen." There you go. I cry like my Mom while cooking meatballs in my kitchen. The words to this song are magical. His grace will always amaze me. That best friend of a husband that is playing video games with our daughter, loves the Lord with all his heart. The changes in him as he grows in the Lord still amaze me. He takes care of me like no husband should have to take care of their wives. At least in my opinion. As I watch my beautiful family, these people I share my life, joy, and entire being with, I can't help but think of how thankful I am that God is healing me. As much as I want a quicker, fuller healing, I have to wait for his time. His time is sometimes wayyyyyyyyyy slower than our time. (I'm not going to lie, yesterday I was thinking, who do I not have praying on this? I need to recruit some people to speed things up since I'm about to graduate and want to start working).
In the meantime, lots of prayers, thankful no liver cancer even with liver tumor marker high, hoping anti seizers medication will get rid of dizziness and make me function (and loose all the weight I gained after thyroid surgery) and make me be a functional Ally-Bump once again, MRI, MRA, EEG from Neurologist in the next 3 wks, not sure what to wish for with that. Need to be fully healthy to start working in spring after I graduate so Tony can stay home and focus on school and kids.
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